The Praying Postmodern

Hot Times

2011-07-14T15:20:00.000-07:00

I have lived in Texas for all of my 39 years and have weathered the summers here for all of them minus one when I spent the summer in northern Germany. I know hot when I see it, feel it, or melt in it. This summer is HOT! Robin Williams in Good Morning Vietnam says, "It is Africa hot!" Brothers and sisters, Africa has nothing on Texas this summer.

Tuesday evening while 100+ children were gathered at Genesis United Methodist Church a UPS truck pulled into the parking lot. The driver was not there to make a delivery. The man was on the verge of dying in the heat. Literally, he was vomitting and not fully consious. He collasped on the ground and was not able to even get into a wheel chair to be brought inside to the air conditioning. A 911 call brought an ambulance and firetruck to the church. The man was taken to a local hospital and given an IV and treatments for heat exhaustion.

Yep, it is hot. Sunday, a group of Junior High kids and a few of us adults will go on a mission trip in the heat. I have to admit that I am not looking forward to what some forecasts have in the range of 100 to 105 for the highs.

Today, Marvin, a.k.a. the UPS man, came by the church to thank the staff for their help in his time of need. On Tuesday evening he was literally at his last stop, save the fact we were having Vacation Bible School.

Did I mention the theme for Tuesday night was, "God watches over you"? And we were reminded that "Even in darkness I cannot hide from you" (Psalm 139:12). God watches over us in the hot and in the cold, in the light and the dark, in the good and the bad, in our best and our worst. God was watching over Marvin and God is watching over you.

This Morning

2011-06-29T14:50:00.000-07:00

Last Sunday several people gave "updates" on prayer concerns with statements like, "I got a text from them last night" or "I talked with his wife this morning." It is a way of conveying this is the most up to date news availible to the group.
Nicole C. Mullens sings a song My Redeemer Lives. Toward the end of the song she says, "I spoke with him this morning." This line, more than any other in the song, gives me chills every time. It says that her relationship is up to date. It is a way of conveying that she didn't just speak to him a while back, but she has a current and relavant relationship with Jesus. It is for me the true testimony of her faith and her belief that her Redeemer, Christ Jesus, does live.

Most mornings, I speak with my Redeemer while I go for my run. Sometimes it is the brief good morning of old friends. Others it is a powerful moment as sweat runs down my brow and the sun breaks the horizan. Either way it is for me a moment of proof that indeed he lives. It is not something that is just biblical or creedal; it is personal.

Resurrection

2011-04-24T06:02:00.000-07:00

For the season of Lent, I did not use Facebook or write on my blog. Today is Easter. The time of darkness has past; the computer is turned on. Resurrection has come. Redemption has come home.

Obviously, this is the day that we as Christians remember that "He is not here. He is risen!" These words were spoken by the angel at the tomb when the women went to see the body of Jesus. Today, death is found powerless. Today, darkness has past from us. Today is the day of Resurrection and we are free from sin and the grave!

It is also a day when many of us take back some of the things we "gave up" for Lent. I have already perused though Facebook this morning. Amazingly, it looked pretty much like it did 40 days ago when I signed off for the last time. While, I was slightly disappointed with the posts I read this morning, I am sure within a few days I will be back to checking it several times a day lest I miss something important. Funny isn't it. I don't think I missed anything truly important over the last six weeks.

Today is also a day of redemption. Before Jesus faced his own crucifixion and death, he stopped at the grave of a friend who had been dead four days. Martha, the friend's sister, warned Jesus, "There is already a stench!" Jesus told the people to remove the stone which covered the face of the tomb. When Jesus called, "Lazarus, come out!" the dead man walked out of the tomb. But then Jesus had to tell the people, "unbind him." Many people walk through life bound up by the past. We might not literally be dead, but we cannot be fully alive if we are still tied up by the past

A little over a week ago, I received the call to be unbound. I received word that I was accepted to law school. Suddenly, it felt as if my life had changed. I was not dead, but the past still hung on me like the cloths that held the dead. Today, I am alive, free, and looking forward to a better tomorrow.

May your day of resurrection and redemption come swiftly. May you be blessed as you find yourself unbound from the past.

Control

2011-02-04T11:46:00.000-08:00

"I control my own destiny." It is something that all of us want to believe in some form or fashion. Just a couple of weeks ago, a church by which I pass had on the marquee, "WE ARE THE RESULT OF OUR CHOICES." As humans, we want this to be the case. We know it to be the case.

This week is the antithesis of these humanistic mindsets. North Texas has prepared for months for this week. It is the week of the "Big Game." I don't want the NFL to come saying that I am infringing on their precious copyright, so I will just say, "The Big Game." Well, as much as DFW prepared, made choices, and put our destiny in our own hands, God has looked down and laughed at the little Babylonians trying to build for ourselves a tower and make a name for ourselves. We could plan, hope, dream, invest, choose, and still at the end of the day, we could not control the weather. We have had the coldest temperatures in over 15 years along with ice and snow.

We want to prove that we can do this. We want to be smart enough and strong enough to handle these things on our own. Frustratingly, we are not. OK, I will make it more personal, I am not. Maybe Jerry and the guys running the "Big Game" are strong enough and smart enough.

Yes, I have lots of control in my life. Yes, I can make many choices every day. Yes, I have intelligence and strength. No, I am not in control and I do not want to be. I am not solely the result of my choices. Good things have happened in my life that have nothing to do with the choices I have made. Bad things have happened despite some good and right decisions. I have not always gotten what I deserved, good or bad. On the whole, I am as much the product of grace as of any control I have in life. God has never failed to remain faithful regardless of my desire for control.

After four days cooped up at home, I am ready to have a bit more control. I am ready to drop the kids at school, go get a Starbucks, and then have the ability to come and go as I choose. And I will continue to be thankful for the lack of control I have which somehow has been blessing and grace in the long views of life.

Division

2011-01-27T13:57:00.000-08:00

Last week I exchanged emails with a friend who is coming out of a turbulent year. Although the turbulent was personal, she said, "surely that has spilled into my professional life to some degree." We would like to believe there is some great wall of division between our professional and private lives. And somehow we are surprised when the professional or public pours into tour private lives, or when a tough time in the private world comes out in odd ways in our public self.

My mom used to work in a school where the principal's secretary was also his wife. Mom's classroom shared a wall with the principal's office. She could tell you when they had a fight at home because of the yelling in their offices at work. Are any of us really surprised at this phenomenon?

We also expect there to be a wall of division between our sacred and secular selves. This wall is no more existent than the wall mentioned above. We are integrated beings. Our sacred and secular effect each other. Our faith cannot start on Sunday about 8:15 in the morning and only be important until 12:03.

Maybe we all need to embrace the reality that our being is integrated. That our physical effects our spiritual, that our public and private are related, and that our sacred and secular in reality are the same person. Not that all things have to be shared in all places, but being more fully integrating and not letting the walls of division be so prominent in our lives actually frees us to be the full person God called and created us to be. Maybe we can be more fully alive in all aspects of life.

Beyond One's Self

2011-01-20T08:58:00.000-08:00

Yesterday afternoon a friend's husband was attacked by a student at his school. Originally, they thought he had a few broken ribs, but did not appear so on the x-ray. Apparently, he is still hurting and they are headed back to the doctor this afternoon.

Obviously, I am concerned about the friend and I worry about the state of our schools, but part of me hurts for this student. What is going on in his life? What was he thinking? Was he thinking? What would his parents say? Do they even know?

To attack a teacher is to act outside of one's self. He was acting beyond what was rational and expected. Many people act beyond themselves at various points in life. Glen Beck and George W. Bush both admit to having acted beyond themselves in their use of alcohol. Lindsay Lohan may have almost forgotten what it means to act within herself over the last several years. Even St. Peter acted outside of himself as he denied even knowing Jesus.

I know the pain acting outside of one's self can bring. I have experienced it in my own life. I almost threw away the best things in my life as my family and marriage were slipping out of my fingers and my career eventually flew out the window. Beck, Bush, and Lohan got help to get back on track. Peter ended up being the rock on which the Church was built. I have had help pulling myself together and establishing and reestablishing my own boundaries.

What about this kid? Who will help him? Who is helping in our schools? I have to admit I am a fence rider, literally, on this subject. I serve on a PTA for one son's local public elementary school, and am a passive parent at my other son's private middle school. I hope this kid finds a way to establish his own self in a positive way.

Goals v. Resolutions

2011-01-13T10:06:00.000-08:00

OK, so I am a little late on my New Year's resolutions. But, as I looked at this question, sometimes they are not resolutions, but rather goals for the year. So, first, let me define "goal" and "resolution."

Goal: that which one plans to achieve.
Resolution: a decision to do something or make a change in behavior.

I have both goals and resolutions for 2011. My goals include - 1) taking the LSAT in February, 2) continue running 4 times a week, 3) assuming I do well on goal 1 to go to law school in the fall, 4) lose 20 lbs (doing this means I could weight the same on my 40th birthday as I did on my 20th!).

My resolutions include - 1) not looking back at the past with regret, 2) to give thanks for today, 3) to look forward with optimism to the days to come, 4) to love my wife and my boys more carefully.

These are much more self-centered than most goals and resolutions that I have put before friends in the past. They are probably much more honest about where I am and what I want as well. I pray that 2011 will be a good year for Tammy and I, for us and our boys, and that this second half of life will continue to overflow my cup of blessing.

Halftime

2011-01-05T07:30:00.000-08:00

Most team sports, minus hockey (which as a Texan does not make any sense to me), have a halftime. Halftime can simply be a chance for players to catch their breath and get a drink. Often it is a time for the coach and the team to adjust the game plan and prepare for the second half of the game. Many games shift at halftime. Last night the momentum shifted for Arkansas as they played Ohio State in the Sugar bowl. I was asleep by this point, but apparently Arkansas played a much stronger game in the second half.

This year, 2011, is my halftime. I will turn 40. Assuming an average life expectancy, I am right at the halfway point. I have been a stay-at-home dad for the last 15 months. This has been an incredible time for me to stop, catch my breath, and adjust the game plan for the remainder of my life. During this time, Tammy and I have worked on being the husband and wife we both deserve and who God has created and called us to be. We also have set out ways and means for us to continue on a more healthy road in the days and years to come. I too have been thinking about what am I going to do with the second half of this game called life.

Well, I know somethings will change for sure. In December, I withdrew from the ordained ministry of the United Methodist Church. It was time. It was not an easy decision, but it was the right one. Currently, I am preparing to take the LSAT in February and apply to law school. I have discovered during my halftime I love weekends and evenings with my family. So, that will remain a priority in the second half.

I am still working on my resolutions and goals for the new year and second half. Look for some of those thoughts next week.

Watching

2010-11-22T14:58:00.000-08:00

We are at that time of year when as parents we will start saying things like, "Santa is watching." We even teach our children songs that go something like:

He sees you when your sleeping.

He knows when you're awake.

He knows if you've been bad or good,

so be good for goodness sake.

Yep, that my friends is GOOD parenting.

In the past, I have worried about who might be watching. I was not always the best example, and probably, if my life were played out on a screen and I had to account for every moment of the day, I would have many times where I would not be proud of the scene playing out before my eyes even today.

This morning, however, it became obvious I was being watched. My seven-year old has been watching. He knows how to use my i-pad, my i-phone, and the remote. Let's for the sake of arguement call those neutral. But this morning, I was proud that he was watching.

I was helping him get dressed this morning. We were sitting at the table that sits in the corner of Tammy's and my bedroon. My son pointed to a leather-bond book on the table and said, "Bible?"

"No. That is not a Bible, but there is a Bible on the table. Do you want to read a story from the Bible?" I responded.

"No, thank you," he said. Then after a moment, he said, "Bible. Pray."

I looked up from his shoes, "Yes. Mom and I read a devotion and pray most mornings." (Tammy and I made it a practice in our lives to have about 10 mins of devotion, discussion, and prayer every morning after I moved back into the house in September of '09.)

He said, "Travis pray?" And he pointed to the TV, and said, "Off." (He knows we mute the news when we do our devotion.)

So, I muted the TV. He sat where Tammy normally sits and we prayed. When Trav and I pray, they are simple, amazingly honest prayers. We thank God for special people in his life. When we finished, he kissed me. (Tammy and I kiss when we finish our devotion)

Yep, he has been watching me. He knows when I am sleeping, running, being good, wasting time, or even praying. I am just glad that he sees something good.

Armistice Day

2010-11-11T12:23:00.000-08:00

So on the eleventh hour of the eleventh day of the eleventh month the guns on the of the War to End All Wars fell silent. That was in 1918. Since then the world has not known a year without the reality of war. The War to End All War fell at the beginning of the bloodiest century in human history.

So where does that leave us now? We have come 92 years since "the guns fell silent." We have passed two millennium since the coming of the Prince of Peace and still a day does not pass that we do not hear or war or the rumors of war. Surely, there must be a better way.

What if on the eleventh hour of the eleventh day of the eleventh month of the eleventh year the guns finally fell silent forever? What if in 365 days we did not raise up arms in violence? What if in one year it could be that no one took the blood of another in hatred, anger, or violence? Is this even possible?

Honestly, I do not know if it is possible. I do know it would not be easy, but here is an option. What if every person of faith, or even those who read these words, began to pray daily that peace would breakout? What if we all began to act in small ways that 11:00 on 11/11/11 violence would end? What if we began as individuals and groups to live and believe that all bloodshed could end?

Here is my proposal, my request, and my promise: pray daily for the next 365 days that the guns will fall silent forever; to try and speak only peace and not hate or anger or revenge; to ask God to show us how to love our neighbors, pray for those who persecute us, and to turn the other cheek.

If you would join me, let me know. If you believe in peace, pass this along. If you believe that with God's help this can happen, pray.

Evicted

2010-09-30T09:35:00.000-07:00

On Monday morning I was driving home and noticed two police cars parked parallel to each other with the drivers' windows only a few feet apart at the end of the street. I didn't think much about it. How many times have we seen two police cars parked like this with the officers catching a quick chat?

An hour later, I was leaving the house and they were still there. This time I noticed they were not Fort Worth police; they were Tarrant County constables. At the same time a group of men were going in and out of the house and bunch of stuff was now on the lawn of the house. I realized the family was being evicted.

I have found myself thinking about that family, who I do not even know, a lot these few days. Part of me sympathizes with them for now they have to find a new place to live. Part of me understands the reality that housing costs money. Mostly, I hope for them they are safe. The house now sits empty waiting for someone new to move into make a home.

Over the last several months, I have had to commit a few evictions of my own. I have kicked some things out of my life that just could not stay. Self-reflection, prayer, support from my wife, have all played a role in being able to keep these tenants out of my life. Evicting habits and pain is not easy. I wish I could have called for an eviction notice and had two constables oversee the work. It would have taken less time and probably been much easier. I have learned, however, that bad habits and pain do not pay attention to eviction notices; they keep coming back if I do not keep a watchful eye on my house.

Honestly, I had an option; I could have let those old tenants stay in my life. Those habits, frailties, and bruises, that brought so much pain to my life and the life of people I loved, could have stayed, but those things are not the things of life. They stole from me and the people around me much like the family down the street was basically stealing to be point of being physically evicted from a house.

The house down the street sits empty. My life, my spirit, is not empty. It is being filled daily with the love of my wife and my boys. I am being filled by helping on several community boards. I am being filled by letting the light and grace of God into the darkest recesses of my soul.

Yeah, I had to evict some things from my life. I had take the time to remove the log from my own eye. I had to stop and let the peace of Christ take up residence in my life.

Evictions are not easy. They are difficult. The fact still remains that poor tenants have to go from our lives so that healthier, better tenants have the opportunity to move in.

Broken

2010-09-14T11:19:00.000-07:00

My wife's Tahoe is broken. I am not a mechanic so I really have no idea what is broken. I just know that we had to take it to a mechanic to get it fixed.

While many of us feel inadequate to the task of fixing cars, trucks, and the like, fixing a broken vehicle is often a relatively simple thing to do. You take it to a mechanic, they look for what is broken, they put in a new piece to replace the broken one, and after paying them what feels like an arm and a leg (and you have no idea if what they did or what it costs was reasonable) you drive away no longer broken.

Broken people and broken relationships are much harder to fix. Sometimes, when I listen carefully, it seems as if everyone is broken in one way or another. Other times, when I am pushed down within myself, it seems as if I am the only broken person to ever walk the face of the earth.

The broken parts of me caused me to act in ways that broken my most valued and intimate relationship. A year ago, Tammy and I began working to fix the brokenness of our marriage. We have had to rely on the grace of God often to bind us up just so we could make it another day. There is no quick fix, pay the man, and drive down the road answers to this level of bring broken. And sometimes, even now, Tammy and I can feel the scares and pain of the deep broken place where we were.

I cannot fix my wife's car. I need a mechanic to do that. I cannot totally fix myself. I need the grace of God to heal my brokenness. Tammy and I cannot fix the broken parts of our marriage alone, we too need the mercy of God's Spirit to bind and heal us. So today, I just ask for a little more grace and mercy to fix what is broken.

New Heart

2010-09-05T12:42:00.000-07:00

Seven years ago today, the younger of my two sons went into surgery at two and a half months old. The doctors at Cook's Children's Hospital fixed a congenital heart defect and literally gave life to my son. In many ways, today is as much his birthday as is his actually birthday in June. Thank you, God, for Dr. Tham, Dr. Lai, and all the wonderful medical staff and support staff that used your gifts to give life to my son.

One year ago, this weekend, I moved back into my home after about six weeks of living in an apartment a couple of miles away. At that point in my life, my heart was broken. I had just gone on an official leave of absence from pastoring in the United Methodist Church. I was trying to fix a marriage that I had literally destroyed.

Over these last twelve months, God has blessed me in many ways. First, I have had much time to give to my boys as I my primary responsibility has been as a stay-at-home dad. Second, my marriage is stronger and more honest than it has ever been. Third, I have had to do some serious self-reflection.

In this self-reflection and self-questioning, much time has been spent working on putting down the demons of my past. These battles are not easy, and I have had to rely on God to help me do what I have found impossible to do by myself in the past. Much time has been spent trying to simply do better today than I did yesterday at the little things that are so important in life.

I still am not 100% certain where God is leading me in the coming months. I do know I feel I have less to prove in life than I ever did before. A year later, I know myself to be stronger mentally, physically, spiritually, and emotionally than I may have ever been in my life. I also know my greatest weakness is loneliness. Many people see me and think of me as an easy-going extrovert, but inside I am introverted and almost chronically alone.

I thank God for the new heart that is growing within me and for the salvaged heart that beats within the chest of a young boy. And I pray honestly, "Create in me a clean heart, O God, and put a new and right spirit within me." (Psalm 51:10)

Football and Holiness

2010-08-16T14:35:00.000-07:00

While driving home from delivering my son to football practice, I heard about a football team in Michigan that is holding the annual two-a-day football practices between 11:00 pm and 4:00 am. In the Texas heat, I see this as just plan smart. They are doing this because, according to an article at ESPN.com, 95% of the team is fasting for Ramadan. See the article here. I am not complaining. I am congratulating the team and the individuals on the team. They are all making sacrifices so they can fast and prayer during these High Holy Days of Ramadan.

Do we as Christians, take our holidays (this comes from the words HOLY and DAYS) as seriously? How many of us will attend and or watch the Cowboys play on Christmas Day, or watch a double header of NBA basketball? Major League Baseball tends to love playing on Easter. Even Southern Methodist University has followed the mighty TV money and will be opening their season on Sunday, September 4th in Lubbock on ESPN.

Now, we can argue this several ways. First, they are all following willing money. The teams are simply doing what they have to do to make a buck. Second, we can blame TV. They have times slots to fill and will offer good money for teams to play and get TV time. Third, we can blame the owners of professional teams. I like to blame Jerry Jones for almost everything anyway, so this is all the same to me. Finally, we could and should blame us. We are the ones who demand, watch, and ultimately pay for games to be played on Christmas, Easter, and Sunday afternoon.

What if, we turned off our TVs, radios, and did not attend games on Sundays? What if we avoided sports on Christmas and Easter? Would the sports marketing crumble? Probably not. They might find other times to play the games. But, let's be honest. We are almost Christian and lazy at that. If we were not watching our beloved Cowboys on Christmas Day, we would be at the movie theater laughing it up over popcorn.

Where?

2010-08-04T12:37:00.000-07:00

Last night my wife, Tammy, and I had an interesting conversation. The topic basically was, "Where do you see the Kingdom of God?" It stemmed from her picking-up our son from Vacation Bible School where two boys prayed during the closing time. When they finished, the room burst into applause and they literally were high-fiving people as they returned to their seats.

It reminded me the many times I have been a part of a communion service full of kids during vacation Bible school. It is loud and restless. The kids pushed to see what was going on and then some were bashful when they final came to the point of receiving a pinch of bread and a drop of juice that represent to us the body and blood of our Lord, Jesus Christ. Following one of these services a retired clergy, Mike Young, came to me and said, "Communion needs to be like this more often on Sunday morning. Noisy and energetic."

Yes, I often brush-up against the divine and holy in private, quiet meditation, but somehow I do not see the Kingdom of God being very quiet. Rather, I see it being noisy, energetic, a bit sweaty, and possibly dirty. I say this because every time I go on a mission trip, I see the Kingdom of God. When I see 100+ kids pushing to see what is going on and learning the stories of our faith, I see the Kingdom of God. When I hear the stories Tammy tells from the Board meetings of the Women's Center, I hear a retelling of people who are working for the Kingdom. Tammy says that she sees the Kingdom of God at the Downtown Y in Fort Worth where old white guys play basketball with young black guys.

So, where do you see the Kingdom of God?

Next Week

2010-07-15T11:48:00.000-07:00

Normally, I try not to look too much to the future, for tomorrow is yet to be and often does not live up the hype (good or bad). This week, though I have been spending a little time everyday preparing for next week. Sunday morning I am leaving for one of the best weeks of my year. Sunday, I leave on a mission trip with the CTCYM (Central Texas Conference Youth in Misson).

This year is different for several reasons. First, I am not going with my home church. Second, it is the first mission trip in many years where I was not the pastor. These two things are a bit disappointing, but they are small mole-hills of disappointment compared to the expected joys of the trip.

This year will be exciting and new as well. This is the first time I am going as a dad to one of the junior high youth on the trip. Yep, Austin is going on his first mission trip. What a joy to be a father and watch a young man grow up right before your eyes! Every day he becomes more and more of a young man. He needs to shave for the second time and we just shave a few weeks ago. His voice is no longer the voice of a child. His wisdom and intellegence are growing daily as well. And he wants to go with me on a trip!

For me this is the best week of the year because in this week I almost always feel close to Christ and his teachings. Sure some of that is due to the nightly worship, morning devotions, guided discussions during lunch. Even more it is based in serving my brothers and sisters, semi-monastic living, and being reminded of our interconnectedness as people.

As Christians, we all are called to mirror Christ in our lives. Some days we are better mirrors than others, but when we stop and act as a servant to someone else, when we tend to one who is in need, when we love our neighbor as ourself, we are acting mostly perfectly as Christ.

Yes, mission trip week is a holy week for me. My wife, Tammy, almost makes me go because of how much good it does for my attitude and my spirit. I expect to be blessed because I expect to see a bunch of 12 to 14 year old youth and a group of adults working hard to share the kingdom of God and the gospel of Christ in a real and tangible way in a small town in west Texas.

Time

2010-07-09T13:40:00.000-07:00

This summer I have been the stay-at-home father of two boys. It is amazing how much time they take. You get them up and feed them breakfast and suddenly it is 9:00. I run an errand, come home, check email and the bank account, and one of them will start asking about "lunch."

Lunch? Really?!? Well sure enough it is 12:30.

I make lunch, clean-up lunch, and look up and it is now 2:00. 2:00? But we just finished lunch. Where did the morning go? How did it get this late already?!

Make a phone call for a technical problem with one thing or another, follow-up on an item from yesterday and suddenly, it is 3:00 and I was hoping to write a blog from Wednesday that got pushed by an appointment for one of the boys and where did the week go?

Was I this busy before? My "to-do" list is still about 13 items long, and it doesn't look like it will be cleared before more is added. Yes, sometimes I add things I have accomplished just so I can show Tammy what all I did do while she was at work. If you are not reading this in a frantic mode, go back and start again.

I have grown amazingly sympathetic with the many stay-at-home parents that I used to hear saying, "I am tired," or "I am so busy today." Kids don't wait. We can't just push them off until tomorrow.

Where do you find time? Time for the important things? Not the urgent stuff like bills and dinner. I mean the deeply important stuff like spouse, family, your kids, strengthening friendships, and the deepening of faith. Where did you spend your time? If you looked back at how you spent the last week, would God, family, and friends even make the list?

Now, back to the "to-do" list before the wife gets home. We have a few errands to run this evening so we ready to for the next project which starts tomorrow. AHHHHHHH!!!!

Surrender

2010-06-30T09:45:00.000-07:00

For much of my adult life, I have gladly listed the things I have survived. It was a pretty heavy and substantial list, honestly. I was kind of proud of the stuff I survived. Here is a peek at the list for those of you playing along at home.

I developed a slight paralysis in my left arm my senior year of high school
dad comes of the closet during my second year of marriage and seminary
mom and dad divorce (see above)
my youngest son has Down syndrome and a major heart defect
my son had heart surgery at 2 months old (heart defect corrected)
I have preached a friend's funeral who committed suicide
been there as friends and family have committed themselves into mental health hospitals for depression and suicidal thoughts

Yep, this is a glimpse. For years I wore these and other things in life as badges of honor. I had survived. I realized over the last few weeks, I do not want to survive so much any more. Eventually the mountain of survived events will crush me if I continue to try and carry them around with me all the time. There will be something that comes along that I cannot survive. That is the nature of life itself; in time none of us survive it.

I want to surrender. I want to surrender to God's will in my life, not just accepting a call to ministry, but as a husband, a father, a brother, a son. I want to surrender not just to say I survived, but that I learned and grew through the events of my life. I want to surrender in the little ways, the right ways, the things that no one else will notice, but I will know.

I guess the best way to put it is, "Christ bore the weight of the cross so I do not have to bear the weight of the world, even my world." When I surrender fully to Christ, I do find the saying to be true, "Come to me, all you that are weary and are carrying heavy burdens, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me; for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light." (Matthew 11:28-30) Surrendering is much easier and life-giving than merely surviving.

Visit

2010-06-19T14:07:00.000-07:00

In the late hours of yesterday morning, I was working out in my garage. A black car pulled up and two people, a man and a woman, exited the car and went up to the door of my neighbor. I knew no one was home. Within minutes they were walking up my driveway. I felt a tension, even an anger, in my chest. I could see their big leather bound Bibles. I, in my indignation, assumed I could perceive their self-righteous condemnation. I was right about them coming to tell me about Jesus, and again I was right when I guessed they were Jehovah's Witnesses.

I have developed my distrust of the Jehovah's Witnesses over time and personal experience. I have had them come selling curb painting only to then come back dressed in their Sunday best to win me over to their way. On more than one encounter, I have said, "I am a United Methodist Pastor. I am not interested in converting," only to have them then want to tell me how Methodists are wrong, or how they are right.

Now, I have to be honest, I have gone door-to-door trying to tell being about a church. So, why is it that I am so insensitive to them trying to do the same thing? Mostly, I think it is about the willingness to listen. And having knocked on about 1,500 doors personally, I can tell you it is basically ineffective as a tool of evangelism. Jesus did not come and knock impersonally on doors. Jesus came to be in relationship with people. Jesus came to change lives. Jesus came that we might know God and know God personally and intimately.

I hope the next time I get a visit, I am a little less tense and much less angry. I hope the next time, I can see that Jesus has just come to my door. I hope I will greet him much more kindly, for if I were to be judged on one visit yesterday morning, "I saw him thirsty and did not offer him a drink. I saw him a stranger and I was rude to him."

Did I mention that I was carving props for Vacation Bible School?

Recently

2010-06-16T13:02:00.000-07:00

So recently, I have not posted my weekly blog. Recently, I have helped my mom pack to move from Sinton to San Antonio. Recently, Austin (my twelve-year old) and I rebuilt a wooden ice chest. Recently, I have been spending about 45 minutes each evening sitting by a pool watching my now seven-year old take swimming lessons. Recently, life has been very good. Busy, yes, but good.

Recently, I have been finding that prayer has not come in bunches, but has come in stolen moments through the day. Monday evening, for example, I was sitting on the TCU campus waiting for my son to finish a day at soccer camp. Most of the time I would get out my iphone and begin playing Bejeweled or HR Battle. This evening, I sat on a bench in the cool of the evening and began reading Thomas a Kempis' Imitation of Christ.

What have you done recently that is good for your soul or for the soul and well-being of someone else?

Sufficient

2010-05-26T12:11:00.000-07:00

How often do we believe we are insufficient? Unworthy? Not good enough?

Several weeks ago, while running, a woman was admitting her unbelief. During the conversation, this woman confessed her lack of faith at times as she struggled to raise children of faith. She was truly grieved by her unbelief. As we ran along I thought about her situation and listened as others said things like, "Put away that doubt," as if it were a thing that could be tucked in a drawer and forgotten. Eventually, I said to her, "Jesus told a man his child would be made well if he only believed. The man responded, 'I believe; help my unbelief.' And immediately the child was made well." (See Mark 9:14-29) I went on to say that Jesus knows that none of us are 100% faithful 100% of the time.

The man's faith was sufficient as incomplete as it was. Jesus did not then say, "You are not adequate," nor "What I have to give is insufficient to meet your need." The man's belief was sufficient because the power of Jesus was sufficient well beyond his unbelief.

One of the things with which I struggle is that God's grace is sufficient for me. It was enough for the man who came to Jesus with a child in need. It was enough for the woman running along the trail. It was enough for the Apostle Paul who desired to have the thorn removed from his flesh and pleaded to the Lord three times before Jesus said to him, "My grace is sufficient for you." (2 Corinthians 12:7-10)

Sufficient. Enough. An adequate answer. Jesus said, "My grace is sufficient."

Yes, it is sufficient. It is good enough. It is adequate to the task. God's grace is sufficient for me. It is enough to set me free. It is adequate to the task of forgiveness and hope. I don't need more. There is already enough.

Explanations

2010-05-19T15:09:00.000-07:00

I would want nothing more than to be able to give the perfect explanation to any wrong, sin, mistake I have ever committed. To give the perfect explanation would absolve me of everything. All would suddenly be right with the world. Last week, I wrote about my hiding in the cave (I also wrote about this same subject back in January). If I could just come up with the perfect explanation I could come out of the cave, dust myself off, and we could all get back to business.

Here's the problem with that scenario: explanations are often nothing more than excuses we hope will justify our actions. You know this deal. You have used it yourself, "But mom, every one was doing it." Like mom is suddenly going to say, "Well, that makes everything better." What we were hoping is mom would accept our explanation as an excuse and we would be able to avoid getting in trouble for what we did.

So as I want to make explanation, point to someone else, or come up with an excuse, I realize only I made my choices of the past, and only I can make my choices for this moment and the future. Yes, we learn from our experience, and I am learning more every day.

Thankfully, I do not have to come up with the perfect explanation. I simply have to admit I was wrong and repent, that is turn back to God. I know that God will make everything right in the long run. It is true not just for me but for everyone. "All have sinned and fall short of the glory of God; they are now justified by his grace as a gift, through the redemption that is in Christ Jesus." (Romans 3:23-24) I do not doubt that God forgives me. I do not doubt that my boys and my wife forgive me. What holds me in the cave most often is the doubt that others will not forgive, and I know an explanation will not be good enough.

So, here I am, a sinner forgiven, giving no explanation, and, for today, sitting just outside the cave.

Hiding

2010-05-12T13:56:00.001-07:00

I am on a family leave of absence from serving as a pastor in the United Methodist Church. I asked for this leave to address issues in myself that were hurting my self, my family, and my ministry. I am in my ninth month of leave at this point. I foresee being on leave for at least another twelve months.

I am glad to say that I am doing much better, and my wife and two boys are doing better too for the efforts Tammy and I both are putting into our marriage and family. Still, I cannot help but feel as if I am in hiding. Some people ask me about my "sabbatical." Well, it is not a sabbatical. This is more of a cave into which I have crawled and in many ways, I do not want to come out of the cave. But, I am beginning to wonder - how long can you stay in a cave before you have become the cave? How long can you just stay in hiding?

Honestly, I do not feel worthy at this point to come out of the cave. As one who once had a voice, I feel like I have given up my right to speak. As one who once was a leader, I want to now just hide in the cave hoping no one asks, "What are you doing in there?"

Lazarus was four days dead when Jesus arrived at the front of the cave where his body was laid. Jesus asked that the stone be moved and he called to Lazarus in a loud voice, "Lazarus, come out!" When Lazarus, still wrapped in burial clothes, emerged from the tomb Jesus said to the others, "Unbind him and let him go." (John 11:38-44)

My mistakes drove me into hiding, and, yes, I have died several deaths in this process. Now my fear and shame seem to hold me here. I do not want to stay in hiding forever, but I am not sure how to walk back into the openness of day. In some ways I am waiting for a voice to call to me, "Andrew, come out." I am waiting for someone to say, "Unbind him and let him go."

Thoughts

2010-05-05T14:20:00.000-07:00

Have you ever been overwhelmed by the thoughts running through your head? Sometimes, it is the pile of work waiting for you on your desk that haunts you as you try to relax at home. Other times it is an insecurity built in the past and reaffirmed in the present that overwhelms. Sometimes, it is an obsession or an addiction that fills our head and locks-up the ability to move forward.

Jesus said, "Where your treasure is, there your heart will be also." (Matthew 6:21) The ancients were not as clear about the separation of heart, mind, emotions and the like as we are. One could easily see this as saying, "What is important to you, on that your mind will dwell."

How do we change the thoughts running through our heads, lay down those insecurities, and better control the obsessions and addictions of our lives? This is not as easy, but obviously important if we want to have a better pattern tomorrow than we did today.

I want to point to a couple of possibilities that I find useful, although, honestly, I do not turn to them as often as I should. First is prayer. Pray for a new heart, a new mind, and a new thought. To quote the camp song, "Turn your eyes upon Jesus . . . and the things of earth will grow strangely dim." When we are speaking oft with the Lord, we tend to not be thinking about our shortcomings and our obsessions.

Second, trying focusing yourself on this moment. What are you seeing, hearing, feeling, and doing at this very moment? For example, I see the computer screen, I hear my son playing in the next room, I feel the warmth of the computer on my wrist, and I am writing a blog. This pulls me out of my head and into the present of this moment.

As anyone who reads these words regularly can tell, I am working on changing my thoughts and focusing on a better treasure.

Smaller

2010-04-27T09:37:00.000-07:00

Last week, I was out of town. Therefore no blog post. Thanks to the people who noticed (and mentioned) it was not here.

A few days ago, I posted on my Facebook status, "I want to get smaller." Almost immediately the questions came, "Smaller how?" " Do you want to lose weight?" "Do you want to be a Hobbit?" Yes, I like many people want to lose weight. No, I do not want to be a Hobbit. "Smaller how?" is the better question.

I am not 100% certain how I want to get smaller. I know I want to leave less of a carbon footprint. It is why I carry reusable bags to the grocery store, use compact fluorescent light bulbs, try not to jackrabbit start from the stoplight when I am driving, and I pull the weeds from my lawn by hand (no poison, please)! So, I want to have a smaller negative impact on the world in which I live and the world I will leave for future generations.

I think even more than being smaller in the carbon footprint legacy (which as a fairly typical Texan is way larger than I want to admit), I want to be smaller in terms of what people perceive when they come in contact with me. Several years ago, I had the opportunity to spend some time working with the Missionaries of Charity (think Mother Teresa). I was with several guys, big guys actually. After only a few minutes in the presence of these women one of us said, "I want to get smaller." These women are led so deeply by the Holy Spirit and come so much as the presence of Christ, that the women themselves almost disappeared. We, in our big, bold, brash Texas ways were out of place and out of sorts with this self-giving of the sisters to God, to their Order, and to the neighbor. (To read more about this adventure, you can read the book The Mystic Way of Evangelism by Elaine Heath.)

I want to get smaller. In that vein, I am working on being more diligent in prayer, listening more than speaking, waiting more than rushing, and putting God and family before anything else. To be smaller means to seek the mind of Christ, the will of God, and the leading of the Holy Spirit. I am not sure I am really getting smaller, but I pray that it may be so.

World View

2010-04-14T10:25:00.000-07:00

Sunday morning Pastor Ginger delivered a sermon that pushed an idea to the front of my brain. Nothing new really, just brought it from the recesses of the mind to the forefront of consciousness. I am not quoting her; her sermon is the jumping off point.

There are several ways to view the world. The pessimist sees the glass (see picture to the right) as half empty. The optimist sees the glass as half full. Often this is seen as the two options of viewing the world. Either you are an optimist or a pessimist. That is fine and good but I want to throw out two more options as world views and both have less to do the with glass and much more to do with faith.

The 23rd Psalm says, "my cup overflows." The person who walks in communion with God sees their cup as overflowing. The same cup on the right is not just half full or half empty. That cup is now overflowing, water dripping down the sides, with blessing and peace. I do not believe this overflowing cup is limited to Jews and Christians. Anyone who is in communion with the Divine and Holy can know their cup to be overflowing.

The fourth world view comes from my Papaw. Six years after he breathed his last, he still blesses me. He would say, "My cup gushes over." These are the words of hope spoken by a man of resurrection faith. Hope! Hope in a Christ who defeats death! Hope in a Spirit that lives and breathes in the lives of the faithful! This blessing is not dependent on how much water is in the glass. This blessing is not based on how good life is at this moment. This world view is based solely on the ability to see that resurrection changes everything.

Mine is the fourth view. Anyone can find the glass to be half empty or full. My cup gushes over.

Only You

2010-04-07T14:10:00.000-07:00

I am sure you all remember Smokey the Bear telling us, "Only you can prevent forest fires." Never mind that I grew up in west Texas where it was rare to see two trees growing close together and the density of the trees in a true forest kind of freaks me out. That is a lot of pressure on a kid.

I have been rambling on and off about change and my future for the last several months. At some point in the last week I realized, "Only I can make a change in my life." I know this is not some radical thought or insight. No one is forcing me to change or not to change. No one can make me do something that I do not chose. At some point, I get to make a choice. It little and big ways, only I can make this change.

Think of it as Yoda looking at Luke in the Empire Strikes Back when Yoda says, "There is do or do not. There is no try." Either we give ourselves to Christ, and to holiness and wholeness and walk today a little more closely with our Lord and Savior, or we do not. Either it happens or it does not happen. This is a choice we must make every day and often a dozen times each day. It is not a decision we make one time when we are 13 and we are then good for always.

Today, I chose to walk in the way that leads to life eternal. Today, I want to do something good. Today, I give myself to the changes Christ is working in me. Today, I give myself fully to his grace. Today, I want to experience resurrection and life abundant. Only I can accept these changes. Only I can respond and grow in this calling on my life.

Temptation

2010-03-31T07:21:00.000-07:00

Yesterday evening I read these words on a friend's Facebook status: "Blessed is anyone who endures temptation. Such a one has stood the test and will receive the crown of life that the Lord has promised to those who love him." (James 1:12)

We are all subject to temptation. It comes at us every day. It comes to us as a cheeseburger, fries, and a coke. It comes as the big office in the corner. It comes as the office flirt who stops by too many times to say, "hi." It comes as the house that the realtor says, "Yeah, you can afford it." It comes as a cheat sheet on a final exam. It comes as another hour of TV. Temptations are never the same for every person because as James says, "One is tempted by one's own desire, being lured and enticed by it; then, when that desire has conceived, it gives birth to sin, and that sin, when fully grown, gives birth to death." (James 1:14-15)

I know this reality all too well. I gave into my temptations. I let them grow within me and gave into that which did not produce life, but rather death. I did not endure temptation. It almost destroyed me, it almost destroyed my marriage, it almost destroyed much of what I really love. My temptation had grown into sin and sin was giving birth to death. I even could justify my actions to myself biblically using St. Paul's words, "I do not understand my own actions. For I do not do what I want, but I do the very thing I hate." (Romans 7:15) I did exactly what many people do and pull the one verse as my justification and did not take the full lesson. He continues, "Now if I do what I do not want, it is no longer I that do it, but sin that dwells within me." (Romans 7:20) Again, I find that I was being consumed by my temptations, my desire, my own sin.

For those of you playing along at home, we Christians are in the middle of Holy Week. This is the time where we remember and celebrate Jesus' last days before his death on the cross and his resurrection from the dead. I am here because I participate in Christ's death as a sinner. I was not strong enough to resist temptation and sin on my own. He died because I was not enough on my own. Under my own strength, I simple find death. Paul found himself in the same position and said, "Wretched man that I am! Who will rescue me from this body of death? Thanks be to God through Jesus Christ our Lord!" (Romans 7:24-25) It is Christ who rescues me from this body of death. It is the presence of the Holy Spirit, and the many saints in our daily lives, who help fulfill the prayer, "deliver us not into temptation."

Every day, as I find myself again giving myself to the will of God and the strength of the Holy Spirit, I find myself being recreated and resurrected in and with Jesus. Yes, temptations still abound. Yes, I am still weak. Yes, I cannot make it on my own. Yes, this change still scares me (see last week's blog). But not changing, not growing, not finding life abundant, that would only mean death.

My Change

2010-03-24T06:57:00.000-07:00

The human motto is "We fear change!" Even the most go-with-the-flow people want and need a certain amount of consistency and security in their lives. Watch a group of people who meet together regularly. They will sit in more or less the same seats. Change the chairs, or sit in a totally different part of the room and the whole group functions differently. Someone may even say, "You are sitting in MY seat." We really do fear change.

Change is relative however. The more distant the change, the less dramatic it seems. It can also depend on how much it plays with our sense of security and reality. If the change somehow makes us feel vulnerable, it will, no matter how small the change really is, feel like a big shift in our existence.

Make the change personal, and it is even harder. My family watches The Biggest Loser almost religiously. The contestants often breakdown emotionally as much as physically. It is because as they deal with their weight, they are making a huge change. Physically, they are loosing weight and getting fit. As they put away old coping mechanism (in this case food) and habits, the emotional and psycological issues begin to move to the fore. Add to all of this some exhaustion and emotionally these people can almost spin out of control.

Over the last the last 7 months, I have been working on changing who I am so that I can be the person I am called to be. This has meant stepping out of ministry so I can be better husband to Tammy and a better father to my boys. But over the last month or so, I have decided to deal more directly with the issues that haunt me. This change, this admitting to myself that I need to change, is difficult. It is not easy nor is it fun. In fact, it makes me feel less the person. It hurts. It sucks. It scares me.

I know that I cannot change myself. I must take a step and rely on the grace of God and the presence of the Holy Spirit to hold me as together we take the next step. I am blessed that Tammy continues to hold my hand and walk with me on this journey. I do not know exactly where it will end, nor what God has in store for my future. I do know, yes I believe, that as hard and scary as this change might be, this will be a change for the better. So, today, even as I look into a future I cannot see, as long as God is sovereign and merciful, I can say with confidence, "I will NOT fear this change!"

Heritage

2010-03-17T12:11:00.000-07:00

Today, I read an article that really bothers me. See http://www.star-telegram.com/2010/03/16/2045351/south-is-about-to-rise-again-in.html if you want to read the article.

Not so surprisingly, a group of people (the Sons of Confederate Veterans) have once again become fired up over someone calling the Confederate Flag a symbol of racism. They are planning on demonstrating in Granbury, Texas. Do we really think that flying the Confederate flag is all about heritage? Somehow, I think race may have much more to do with this fight than many want to admit publicly. But assuming it is all about heritage, is it a heritage we want to honor? I mean we are not even arguing over the National Flag of the Confederate States of America. We are arguing over a battle flag that has gained popularity on and off over the years, often in circles that flew the flag as a symbol of white supremacy.

Would we be OK with people deciding to fly a red flag bearing a white circle with a black swastika? Of course not. The pain of such an symbol is too great. So it is with this flag. All it does is perpetuate the pain, the hate, the ugliness of an era that we hoped had past in days gone by. Too many people have used the Confederate Flag as a symbol of terrorism for it to be seen without conjuring up feelings of shame, hate, and pain.

And I am not some Yankee come around lately. I am Texas born of a family that fought for the Confederate States. I had family members who fought under the Nazi party in Germany as well. We have to remember the past, in the good and the bad, if we truly hope to move to something better in the future. More importantly, we need to move to a future where we learn to work with our neighbors, to be proud but not arrogant, to be a people who incite peace not violence or anger.

Christ never said, "Blessed are those who hold on to their heritage blindly." Christ said, "Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they will be filled." This is not a question of heritage, this is a question of righteousness.

Vulnerable

2010-03-11T11:16:00.000-08:00

This weekend I saw a few guys in very vulnerable places. One was a guy on the side of the road at 6:45 in the morning. I would come to learn he was drunk. One guy, who I know, was lost in his thoughts at the coffee shop at about 9:30 the same morning. Both of these guys were obviously in vulnerable places and lost in one way or another.

As I reflected on these two men, I realized we are all more vulnerable than we want to admit. What I realized as I thought about that morning was that God uses vulnerable people to be real to other vulnerable people. Currently, I am still working through some of the vulnerable places in my own life. I still am working to make a marriage better and stronger. I am still trying to discern where God is leading me in terms of ministry and the future.

Why do we fear vulnerability? We have learned not to stop for the guy on the side of the road, because he MIGHT be a bad person. We cannot afford to be that vulnerable. We have learned not to get involved with the person who has that blank stare on their face, for helping them might take too long. Again we do not want to be that vulnerable. More so, I think we are all a bit afraid and know we are closer to that level of vulnerability than we want to admit. We are one bad night from being drunk on the side of the road. We are one bad day from being lost at the coffee shop. We are one step away from feeling helpless.

The truth of the matter is we are not totally vulnerable. This is not because we are strong, but because God is merciful. God is holding us in the palm of that mighty hand. God is tending to us even in the midst of lose and tragedy. Our hope is not that we will never be vulnerable. Our hope is that God will never leave us broken and alone.

Fear

2010-03-03T06:12:00.000-08:00

Fear is an emotion all of us experience from time to time in our lives. Often it is a reasonable or semi-reasonable response of protection. My wife is afraid of snakes, period. I am a hunter, and I am afraid of the business end of a rifle. Both of those fears come from the knowledge of what can happen if a snake bites you or a rifle is discharged (intentionally or unintentionally). Many more fears are based on things that are not reasonable. There is not reason to be afraid of Friday the 13th for example, and still it is a fairly common thing. Fear of open spaces or closed spaces are not reasonable. I know of a little girl that has a diagnosed fear of rain to the point that she cannot go to school if it is raining.

The fears that really control most of us are not the phobias we might have. It is a more guttural fear. We are afraid of what others might think, of how the scenario plays out, of "what if they don't like me." These fears steal from us. Well, I know they steal from me. It is this fear that keeps us from trying the new thing, from taking the steps forward, from being all that God calls us to be.

We even fear our past, that it will come up one day and grab us by the shoestrings and drag us down. But we all have a past. None of us can say we are 100% proud of everything we have done. Tammy had a boss who would say, "It is fine to make a mistake everyday, but let it be a new mistake each day." What he was trying to say was, "Learn from the past and your mistakes so you can do better tomorrow."

But why do we really fear? We cannot control the future. We cannot change the past. The future lies in the hands of God, who will be merciful with us in all things. The past is forgiven, because God loves us through our mistakes, our mishaps, and our sins. Jesus' first words to his disciples after the resurrection were, "Peace be with you." (John 20:19) Peace is the opposite of fear.

What do you fear? Do you trust God enough to not be afraid?

Options

2010-02-26T06:18:00.000-08:00

First, let me say, "Thank you, Amanda" for asking about my weekly post.

At this point, I am beginning to weigh the options of "What will I do next?" This is not as easy as it might seem. I know I am enjoying being a stay-at-home husband and dad, but that I do not want to do this forever. I can feel the creative juices, the ones that get you up and moving in the morning, begin to brew. I can feel the first heat of the burning in my bones that says, "I have something to do."

While this energy is rising, the possibilities are more numerous than I have every experienced in my life. Yes, in a year I could go back to serve in a local church. That is obvious. I could write. I could teach. I could stay home some more. God could show me something that is not even on the list as of yet.

The hard part is not worrying about the options and the future. Jesus reminds us that worry brings us nothing but worry in the Sermon on the Mount. "And can any of you by worrying add a single hour to your span of life?" - Matthew 6:27. In fact worry adds to the stuff physically that can kill us. But it is so easy to worry about well if I do this, then that might happen. And what will so and so think?

Yeah, I worry. Probably more than I should. But I do know whatever option comes to pass, that the burning in my bones that pushes me to share the good news of Jesus Christ and a God who loves us is beginning to burn.

Penance

2010-02-17T06:44:00.000-08:00

Today is Ash Wednesday. It is the first of the 40 day (not counting Sundays) season of Lent for many Christians. Many of us will sometime today go to a special worship service and have ashes smeared on our forehead in the shape of the cross. Lent is a time of preparing for Easter and the Easter Season, when we celebrate specifically the life-giving resurrection of Jesus. Lent is also a penitential season. It is a time when give up some creature comfort, when fasting is less the exception, and when we look to the example of Jesus spending 40 days in the wilderness being tempted by Satan before beginning his ministry.

Is forty days of penance enough? Will giving up Cokes, or TV, or sweets, or meat, or Facebook really somehow absolve me of any sin? Can we work hard enough to fix ourselves somehow to be ready to meet Jesus, resurrected on Easter morning? Can any of us do enough to be pure enough to greet him when he comes triumphant at the end of time?

I wish I could work it out. Many of us wish we could be given a simply list of tasks that would fix us of our sin, our mistakes, our shortcomings. Several of my friends are working very hard to prove they have moved past the sinful-self of the past. But I know I cannot work hard enough to fix it all.

It is not easy to accept that Christ is more than willing to forgive simply because of who he is. God is constantly waiting and watching for us to repent (to turn back to God). It is the only part that really matters. All that God desires is for us to turn back and walk humbly with God. Our sin is not covered in our penance; our sin is covered in the cross of Jesus Christ.

Still, to all of you (and me) who are trying to find the perfect penance, if you find it let me know.

May you have a blessed Lent,
Andrew

Busy Week

2010-02-10T11:12:00.000-08:00

Most of you know by now that I am a stay-at-home dad. My schedule has slowed down dramatically. This week is one of the busiest I have had in months. Today is my "calm" day of the week, and it is still pretty harried in comparison to what I have had in resent weeks.

Why do we rush so much? In the book, "Life of Pi," in the midst of comparative religion, is a comment about the Christian God taking seven days to create the world with a follow-up of that may be why Christians are in such a hurry.

Where is the fire? This morning, I literally saw a fire engine coming down the street. It was traveling only a little faster than the rest of us, and as far as I could tell, they were the only ones rushing to an emergency.

God has not called us to rush. God takes time with us. God takes time in our redemption and our salvation. Five months into this journey of restorative and healing time where my wife and my boys take the top two slots in my life, I am less sure of the outcome of this journey. I am finding time to be more fully open. I am seeing God working in my slowly as I see God's faithfulness, as I remember the times I felt most alive and faithful myself, as I am recreating and being recreated as a more faithful and loving husband and father.

So, it is a busy week. God had a busy week when God spoke the world into being. And at the end of every day, God looked at what had been created and said, "It is good." Then, even in the vastness and complete other that is God, God rested on the seventh day.

May we all find the rest for the restoration of our souls.

Why do people stop following Jesus?

2010-02-03T09:41:00.000-08:00

This question, "Why do people stop following Jesus?" appeared as the status of a friend's Facebook. Many people gave comments, a few wrote novels. A few days later, I decided to make it the subject of my blog. I think any one answer will not do, and even the few I give are far from adequate. These are just a few of the thoughts that have stayed in my head on the question.

The Junior High Answer-No one else seems to be doing it, so why should I?

This is kin to the "But mom, everyone is going to be at this party!" When you feel like no one else is on the journey with you, it is easy to decide to stop following Jesus.

The Whining Answer-It is too hard.

Following Jesus, I mean denying yourself and picking up your cross following Jesus, is hard. Let us be honest about that. Sometimes it seems impossible. So, we whine and drag our feet and eventually stop.

The Archery Answer-I missed the target.

This may be the most common answer. Did you know that "sin" is an archery term for missing the mark? We don't have to be far off the mark to find ourselves straying from the goal and, without correction, we look up one day and we are no longer following Jesus.

The Used Car Salesmen-Selling you something that is not Jesus.

This one bothers me the most. But many pastors and churches "sell" something that is not Jesus. By this I mean it is not salvific, it is not resurrecting, it is not hope-filled. They sell something that akin to, "Let's all try to be good people and love one another." I am sorry, Jesus is not Barney the Dino. Jesus is the Savior of the world. Let's get this one right, people.

Thankfully, Jesus is always ready to receive someone who wants to follow him. Yes, we may stumble, miss the target, get tired, and just plain quite from time to time. Still, the angels in heaven rejoice every time one of us sinners says, "I will follow."

More than a Run

2010-01-30T13:21:00.000-08:00

In the last 15 months, I have run six, 1/2 marathons and hundreds of miles of training. Today the run was different. Today it was more than a run. Today deserves a tip of the hat for all that it was.

The Benbrook 1/2 marathon is known for the rolling, winding course on the west side of Lake Benbrook. It is a tough course on a good day. Today was not a good day. We started in 27* with a 15 mph north wind, which means it felt more like 14*. Many fewer runners even came to the lake this morning than had actually paid their entry fees.

At about mile one is a low water crossing. It rained pretty heavy over the last few days so water was running a couple of inches deep and about 10 feet wide. Yes, we all got our feet wet. Well, so not all of us. One lady piggy-backed on a guy, and a number of people literally turned around. Now, with wet shoes, on we go.

A couple of miles later a blast of cold wind hit me in the face and which made me turn my head to see a doe, a deer, a female deer (Yeah, I just quoted liberally from the Sound of Music. It is my mom's favorite movie.) come running out of the woods, cross the road 20 yards ahead of me, and then jump the fence and disappear into the pasture.

Another mile or so and the Benbrook ambulance drove by me. I have no idea if someone was hurt. About the same time there is a man standing in the road telling us to run in the grass (which was really just mud) to avoid the ice sheet on the road. On the way back, we just walked across the ice.

Thank you to the nice couple who was standing at the top of the "Nice Hill :)."

On the way back, the hills begin to take their toll. And we were running more or less toward the north. It was brutal. I kept thinking to myself, "If you finish strong you can go to Starbucks or Einstein's." Sadly, my self-motivation was not enough to keep the pace as strong as I had really hoped. The wind, the hills, the cold all proved to be better than my best. It didn't help that at the last water stop gave us water that was beginning to freeze. Nothing says, "Finish strong," like a half-frozen cup of water.

Mile 12 brought me back to the low water crossing. This time I chose my steps poorly as I went ankle deep with both feet. And as the guy next to me said, "I think the water has gotten colder."

Finally, the last turn, you can see the house. And there only yards from the finish was my family, Tammy and the boys. I told them they were crazy for standing out there in the freezing cold. I was so cold much of my stomach and legs were red from the cold even 15 minutes later as I undressed to take a warm shower.

Yeah, if was more than a run today. It was a test. And I passed. I know I can do hard things again. So much more seems possible today. Two hours and 27 minutes of a test in a 15* windchill but I passed.

The Cave

2010-01-26T03:54:00.001-08:00

Ok, so I have been living in a cave, or maybe a underglorified Fortress of Solitude. I have been in hiding more than anything else. Afraid to come out. Afraid to look into the reality of the world. Afraid that the world will not accept me.

My life has been a Fortress of Solitude because I can hide alone in my house dealing with next to no one most of the time under the guise of being a stay-at-home-dad. The biggest difference between my hiding place and Superman's is not that his is a crystal palace at the North Pole and mine is a house in Fort Worth. No the biggest difference is that I am no super man.

My life has been a cave in the Platonic sense. I have been facing the wall of my cave, watching the shadows and assuming (or maybe wanting) this to be reality. Well reality never exists in the cave, it is only a shadow of what is real.

Why do I hide in my Fortress of Solitude, in my cave? Because it is safer than standing up and facing the reality of the world. It is safer to hide than to try. It is safer to settle than to risk. Here, I can be fine with the illusions dancing on the wall before me, but if I stand up and leave my Fortress of Solitude, I will have to deal with the reality that is out there in the world.

Some days, it is not that we have to be super. Some days, we just need the Holy Spirit to give us the strength to stand up.

I Live You

2010-01-20T11:18:00.000-08:00

Last week I texted Tammy, "I live you." Then I said, "I mean I love you." A few minutes later, I get, "I 'live' you, too." I couldn't stop thinking about those texts. When we really love someone, don't we live them as well?

This is not an easy thing to do. To live someone. To let their thoughts and desires be your thoughts and desires. To let their dreams be your dreams. It is what I have found myself trying to give into with my wife, and secondarily my boys over the last months. To live them.

As this kept rolling through my mind this week, I found myself thinking about this living and loving thing and then I found the words of Jesus, "No one has greater love than the one who lays down his life for his friends" swimming in my head too.

For so long, I lived church, work, my own interests, that I could not live and love my wife and family the way I should. Now, I am working to love Tammy and live Tammy more and more, and trying to be a better dad to both my boys.

Discipline

2010-01-12T14:48:00.000-08:00

St. Paul talks about the discipline of the athlete in his first letter to the church in Corinth (9:24-27). I heard a pastor speak about this briefly on Sunday, and it came into my head as I was running earlier today.

Physical discipline is hard. To go and run, to do push-ups and sit-ups, or to do Bikram yoga (like Tammy does), is hard work. It is much easier to just sit. It is much easier not to be disciplined in what you do. The same is true with the food you eat. The Lord knows, I would rather have a cheeseburger, fries, and a Coke, than most of the stuff I should be eating.

As much work as the athlete does to discipline and train the body, so there is just as much work for those trying to discipline and train the spirit. And it is not as readily obvious to the casual observer if the spirit is not well trained as if the body is not well trained.

Here is what I realized today: if you are wounded, the discipline and training are harder. Think of Colt McCoy last week. He was prepared and ready and then with a relatively minor blow to the back of his shoulder, he was unable to play. He will not be able to train in the same manor probably for a few weeks. I realized that as I am trying to put a spiritual life back together, that the spiritual wounds that I carry (some new and some very old) can hinder the training and the discipline I can receive.

Thursday night, Colt knew how to throw a football but he could not. Even today I know how to do many things and expect that some day I will get back in the game. I am not training aimlessly. But or right now, my spirit is resting and healing so that when the day comes, I will not have run aimlessly nor boxed as though beating the air, but I will have punished myself and enslave my body, so that God's proclamation shall not be in vain.

New Me

2010-01-06T10:44:00.000-08:00

I have not sat down to try and do this in almost 5 months mostly because I was not in the place emotionally to do so. I think the time has come for me to find a voice again and to blog at least once a week was one of my resolutions. I am taking this on as a spiritual discipline at this point, and I am seeking your support. Not that I need readers, I need accountability.

In August 2009, after 15 years of preaching and 15 years of marriage, I stepped out of both in a matter of days. First, I quit on my marriage and on Tammy. On Saturday, August 1, I moved out of our house and moved into an apartment. Dark days.

In those dark days, I realized that wanted to a better father than I could be from a distance, and this proved to be the first step to coming home. To help heal the marriage that I threw into shambles, with Tammy's encouragement, I asked for a leave of absence from the ministry of the United Methodist Church. So, second, I stepped out of the ministry for the first time since I was 19 at the end of August.

Over the course of the last five months, I have learned a great deal about myself, about love, about marriage, about my own personal struggles and demons. I also know I have a great road ahead of me. Thankfully, through some hard work and much grace, Tammy and I reconciled and I moved home over Labor Day weekend. I used to put her behind the church in my list of priorities, then I put her behind our boys, and mostly I put her needs far behind my own wants. Through much self-reflection, work, and prayer, I have realized that I was probably never the spouse that Tammy really needed or deserved. I have learned that my first and primary relationship in this world is Tammy. Ok, so Tammy and I both know Christ is at the head of our relationship, but that is a slightly different question.

I hope and pray that the dreams that Tammy and I are dreaming together at this point can come to bear fruit. We have set new goals for our life together. I do not know when I will return to full-time ministry at this point. I simply ask that you help my keep my dreams fresh by poking me with a stick (or call or email) if you do not see a fresh posting of this blog by Wednesday of any given week.

Grace and peace,
Andrew

Position

2009-08-05T08:44:00.000-07:00

Recently, I was amazingly asked, "How do you remain humble when you are obviously gifted?" Obviously this person does not know me very well for two reasons. First, I am not all that humble. Second, I am not all that gifted. My response was, however, above ordinary and I wanted to share it here this morning.

First, I know that when it comes to grace, the unmerited love of God and salvation offered in Christ Jesus, I am simply a beggar. When I tell others about the love of God and the grace I have experienced in my life, I am a beggar telling other beggars where I found bread.

Second, I am to view every person as if they might be Christ. This is not always easy. As Mother Teresa said, "Lord, you come in some costumes that made it difficult to see you today."

The thought that I am a simple beggar and every other person might be Christ puts me in a proper perspective and position.

God and Money and the UMC Clergy

2009-07-25T08:54:00.000-07:00

This is a bit of what you might hear from me in a sermon on this Sunday morning:

It is pretty easy to see how we cannot serve God and money, manna, wealth at the same time. Our worship and focus on money often drives us to worry about things beyond our control and listen for things that are not of God. We suddenly worry about things like the stock market, our pension plan, our home equity. But God is not worried about the stock market. As one person said to me recently, “God did not lose a dime in this recession. God didn’t loss a dollar in the Madoff debacle.” God still has every resource in heaven and on earth. The problem is not God’s bank account; it is much more our unwillingness to trust God in all times and in all things.

Take for example, the reality of the United Methodist Clergy. We often speak about things like good news for the poor, there are a group who are going to the city council to speak against cutting the budget to aid the homeless here in Fort Worth. At the same time, we voted to maintain our healthcare coverage at an annual cost of about 4.2 million dollars in 2009 and the cost is going up in 2010. This is not paid for by the clergy. This is the cost handed on to the local churches of the Central Texas Conference in mandated health insurance payments and apportionments. What would happen instead if we pulled that mantel off of your backs and said, “We the clergy of the Central Texas Conference of the United Methodist Church will not take as a benefit any health insurance until all Texans have adequate health care.”

Not so good at this

2009-06-23T10:38:00.000-07:00

Ok, so apparently I am not so good at this blogging thing. Again, it is because I have had a couple of friends recently ask me about my posts that I come back to this forum. Apparently, for some I am "a voice in the wilderness," a "social conscious", a "voice unheard." I am not sure exactly what all that means or if it is a good thing.

I will say that being on the CTCYM trip last week reminded me of the great painful divides in our country. Divides of education. Divides of wealth. Divides of race. Who am I that I can afford to go out to eat when just this morning a woman did not have money to eat at all? Who am I that I can receive health care when a brother goes without basic medicines? Who am I that sit in an air conditioned office when an 84-year old woman has not electricity? Who am I that I am not weeping in pain and changing my ways?

Maybe I don't blog more because I am not sure anyone really wants to hear the questions I find myself asking.

Really?

2009-05-11T11:42:00.000-07:00

Ok, so this weekend, within 10 hours, I had two friends mention that I had not posted on my blog sight in a while. Really? Does anyone really care what I have to say? I mean, I am just a guy traveling down this road of life. Yeah, I am a pastor, who is supposed to have some sort of wisdom, but I also know many people do not pay much attention to what their pastor, or any pastor, has to say.

So, to whom do you listen? Who is it that gets your attention and somehow speaks to you? Who is the noise in your life? Who is it that if they shut-up you would only find relief in their silence? Who is it that you really want to listen to you?

Anyway, thanks to two people who may not pay attention to what I say, but notice, and question, when I say nothing at all.
Peace.

The New, Ancient Mandate

2009-04-09T07:12:00.000-07:00

New mandate? What do you mean it is a "new" mandate? There is nothing new about it. We are reading from a book that is 1900 years old. How on earth is that considered new? And isn't that part of the problem? We want something new all the time. I just got a new car (a red Saturn Vue to be exact), and my wife just bought new furniture for the upstairs family room. (0% financing and good deals makes for a buyers market . . . recession ha ha ha.) And the faith we are given is ancient, almost timeless.

It is Holy Week and Passover, so even secular talk radio has religious experts on as guests. Emergent experts were a day or two ago. And yes, we need something new. The way we have done church for the last 150 years is not working. But how much has to change? It is hard to say what is most important. If we are given an ancient faith that will stretch into the end of time, how do we keep it fresh? If we really are given a new, 2000 year-old, mandate tonight, how do we embody that today?

I want to make a modest proposal that we start with our Christian brothers and sisters. We have to stop looking at each other as the enemy. I think one of the major broken pieces in the modern church is that for the last 150 years, we have said, "I disagree, so I am parting ways." We have churches all over the landscape, but we have little love for one another. The ecumenical movement of let us all hold hands and act cordial is ridiculous, because one group will look at another and overtly or passively say, "You are not REALLY Christian."

So, I beg my fellow Christians, clergy and lay, to take serious the new mandate. "Love each other as I have loved you." Let's take something new out of this ancient word.

April Fools

2009-04-01T20:58:00.000-07:00

So today was April Fool's Day. I first realized this as I listened to one of my favorite five minutes of radio every week. At 7:55 Frank Deford gives a commentary on NPR's Morning Edition. To hear his commentary from this morning go to Sweetness and Light. Yep, I fell for it too.

Then, an hour and a half later, I sat with a gaggle of preschoolers trying to convey why fooling people and then laughing at them is not what Jesus wants us to do. I mean how many of us really want to be the butt of a joke? I assume most of you just said, "Not me." So, if the Goldren Rule says, "Treat others as you want to be treated," then why would we make anyone the butt of one of our jokes.

Twelve hours later, I found myself feeling the fool. I, along with the two music directors, made plans for Easter Sunday a few weeks ago. We felt a common face for our two Easter Sunday services would be a good effort and a way of bringing some unity in the community. Instead, what I realized after listening to some complaining, is we did not follow the Golden Rule. We did not treat the band or the choir like they want to be treated. We planned and idead without really considering what they wanted for Easter. MY plan sounded more like a cruel April Fool's joke to some of them.

So here I sit, playing the fool and it has nothing to do with Frank Deford.

Land of the Dying

2009-03-30T13:30:00.001-07:00

When John Owen, the great Puritan, lay on his deathbed, his secretary wrote in his name to a friend, “I am still in the land of the living.”
“Stop,” said Owen. “Change that and say, ‘I am yet in the land of the dying, but I hope soon to be in the land of the living.”

What a thought as we come running into Holy Week! We are in the land of the dying. It is true for everyone of us who takes breathe. It is with this great reality that we came to Ash Wednesday several weeks ago, "From the dust you have come and to the dust you shall return." We watch over the next few days how even Jesus when faced with the reality of mortality breaks down in tears in the garden.

Still, ours is not the land of the dying. Our future and our hope lies in the land of the living that waits on the other side of the viel. With that in mind, what do we have to fear? Why do we continue to be held by fear? Do we not believe? Have we not faith? Have we not hope?

If we be Christian, if we truly believe that ours lies in the land and time God will make home among mortals, and God wipe away every tear and death will be no more and the covenant will be fulfilled, "I will be their God and they will be my people," then let us no more live as people who are going to grave, but live as people prepared to enter the land of the living.

Trusting in Tough Times

2009-03-11T07:50:00.000-07:00

Ok, so maybe life is not so bad. The DJIA went up 300+ points yesterday. But still the question hangs out there, "Do we trust that God will help us in our time of need?"

Through the scriptures God regularly hears the cries of the people. Consider the call of Moses. The LORD says, "I have observed the misery of my people who are in Egypt; I have heard their cry on account of their taskmasters. Indeed, I know their suffering, and I have come down to deliver them from the Egyptians." (Exodus 3:7-8a)

The LORD God does deliver them from the Egyptians. God does bring them into a good land, a land flowing with milk and honey. This is the good part of this incredible story of our faith; they are delivered. The tough part is trusting God enough to hold on until the promise becomes the blessing. It took ten plagues, crossing a sea, and forty years in the wilderness before the promise was fulfilled, and even then the people doubted.

Trusting God in hard times is, well, hard. God does hear our cries. It may still take time to deliver on the promise.

Watch for "Do we trust God enough to share" coming soon.

DJIA Fear

2009-03-10T08:37:00.000-07:00

Yes, it is bad. The Dow Jones Industrial Average is valued at 55% of what it was worth one year ago. According to the news this morning about $50 trillion dollars of net worth have disappear in the last year. Scary, huh?

But what is it that we really fear? Losing a job or a home? Not being able to retire "on time"? Finding out we are not as independent as we once thought?

God can hear our cries. Just like the LORD God heard the cries of God's people in Egypt and promised to deliver them, God hears our cries today. The question I find myself asking as a person still living well in the upper-middle class, "Am I the Hebrew in distress, or am I more like the Egyptian taskmaster?"

We have become so wealthy and powerful as individuals and as communities that we forget how much we really have. Yes, we might have fear and worry concerning our wealth and status. But ask yourself, "What do I really fear?"

Death

2009-03-04T08:27:00.000-08:00

A little girl, 4 years old, stopped me this morning as I was coming into the church. "My doggy died," she said. I knelt down and she came over for a hug.

Death is a harsh taskmaster. We are all caught up in its clutch from the moment we are born. We participate in it. We are affected by it. As much as we do not like death, it is always there. The ultimate pink elephant in the room.

Lent, these 40 days before Easter, are a season of self-reflection. Many Christians begin the season with a smear of ashes on their face and the words are said, "From dust you have come. To the dust you will return." A morbid moment really.

Yeah, death. Cold. Harsh. Real.

And there behind death is Christ. Laughing at the vain attempts to keep us in submission.

"Daddy said, 'Our doggy has gone to heaven,'" she said.

"Yes. And someday you will get to see him again," I said. And I thought of my favorite dog, Danny Boy. And how someday, after I have become dust, I will sit in a swing under a live oak tree, watching the late summer sun set with Tammy by my side, Danny boy at my feet, and a baseball game playing on the radio.

Emotional

2009-03-03T13:17:00.000-08:00

Today I stepped in at the last minute to help lead a discussion for the United Methodist Women at University Church. The topic they are currently studying is the Israeli-Palestinian conflict. With little time to prepare I began with the questions, "Why do we care? Why are we emotionally hooked by this conflict? What natural resources are they really fighting for?"
In terms of wealth, we have no reason to care. It is arid, resource poor, rocky ground. But we get hooked because as Christians we call it "Holy."

Holy.

Holy?

It is the "Holy" Land. We get hooked because we want to defend, hold, touch, have what our faith has called, "holy." But, if we take the "holy" off the table and look at the land itself, it is just a junk piece of property. When will we be able to step back and be rational about the fact that God is holy and the rest is just rocks and dirt and water?

Tell me what you think. Can we be non-emotional about Jerusalem and the "Holy" Land?

Tent City

2009-02-27T06:55:00.001-08:00

Every year as the end of February hints at the thaw of March (so ok, yesterday it was 86 degrees), a small tent city forms on the edge of our the property of University United Methodist Church in Fort Worth. Here the families who are hoping to transfer their student into Paschal High School gather and wait.

It is interesting for several reasons:

One gets to see just how tough mom really is as she tries to sit on a curb in a lawn chair from Thursday morning until Sunday evening and then spend the night in the high school auditorium.
One finds just how creative humans can be in finding shelter, building shelter, and exactly where they can sleep.
One does wonder, "Where do all those people go potty?"
The crowd grows every year.
The parents line up the church curb because they are not allowed on the school property until Sunday evening.
This one is my personal favorite: These people are idiots. I have watched this happen every year and every year all the parents who are here at 5:30 on Sunday evening get their precious child into Paschal High School.

Sorry, normally I do not get into school politics. But this is just plain silly. Thanks for listening.

Ash Wednesday

2009-02-25T09:27:00.000-08:00

Ok, so this is the beginning of Lent. A time of self-denial and self-reflection as we think about Jesus' time in the wilderness and we prepare for the Great Triduum (Holy Thursday, Good Friday, and Easter).

How did I start my Lent? With about twenty children ages three to five years. We sang together praising God. We prayed together. We shared a Bible story. Then, I went and played 42 with a group of Senior Citizens. Yep, I got beat two games to none by a couple of ladies in their 90's.

I don't know that this is what most people do as the beginning of the Lenten journey, but I have been blessed in this morning and am deeply reminded of the journey of life from wide-eyed wonderment to the frailty of age.

Scarcity and Faith

2009-02-02T09:12:00.000-08:00

This morning, I find myself still thinking, in part because of several comments and questions, on the subject of scarcity. Scarcity means we have an inadequate supply or items or resources. We, as people of faith, buy into a theology of scarcity when we begin to believe that God will not and cannot supply our every need. It was the belief of the disciples when they had only a few fish and some bread to feed 5,000 people, and miraculously, Jesus provided more than enough.

Often our sense of scarcity comes not from a lack of God’s giving, but from our focus on the wrong things. Victor Frankl was one of the many Jews arrested by the Nazi’s. As a psychiatrist, he had written a manuscript and hidden his life’s work in the lining of his jacket. When he arrived at Auschwitz the manuscript was taken from the lining of his jacket along with all his other processions. Eventually, even his jacket and clothes were taken from him.

Frankl says, “I had to surrender my clothes and in turn inherited the worn out rages of an inmate who had been sent to the gas chamber. . . . Instead of the many pages of my manuscript, I found in the pocket of the newly acquired coat a single page torn out of a Hebrew prayer book, which contained the main Jewish prayer, Shema Yisrael.” The Shema reads, “Hear, O Israel! The Lord our God is one God. And you shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your might” (Deuteronomy 6:4-5).

We want an abundance of what we think is important, valuable, and worthy. These are often things that have little real importance, value or worth. God has already poured out, many times over, everything that we need for life, for joy, for salvation, and for peace. We do not lack for anything except the faith to trust that indeed God will provide.

MLK Day

2009-01-19T09:02:00.000-08:00

Ok, so I am home on a Monday with both of my boys. A five-year old, a ten-year old, and I are sitting watching the movie Madagascar. This is the joy of remembering Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. Really? This is what our government wanted when they set aside the third Monday of January as a national holiday? They wanted us to have more opportunities to watch TV with our kids?

I wonder, "Is this what Dr. King would want?" Would a man who gave his life to justice, to education, and to hope want all the children of this great land missing a day of school to remember him? This was a man who worked in the kitchen to attend college. This is a man who wanted better for our children. So now, the best way to honor him, to remember him, is to sit at home and watch a movie on DVD.

Dr. King, I am sorry that even as we have come so far since you lead the movements of your day, your great speeches of passion and vision, and your tragic death, that we have not come as far as you would have hoped for you children and mine.

Silent Night

2008-12-28T05:40:00.000-08:00

This year, for our 11:00p.m. Christmas Eve Service, I chose for us to sing Hark, the Herald Angels Sing and not, as is tradition, Silent Night. Just at the thought of it people questioned, pondered, and even rebuked the change.

My thoughts on this change are two-fold.

1. We were using the service of Nine Lessons and Carols as developed and presented by King's College. If you look on the King's College website, http://www.kings.cam.ac.uk/, you will find they traditionally end with O Come, All Ye Faithful followed by Hark, the Herald Angels Sing. I figure if it is good enough for King's College Cambridge, it is probably good enough for us.

2. There is a theological bend to this question as well. If we listen to the Christmas story as told in the Gospels of Matthew and Luke, we find that the angels tell the shepherds the shepherds tell someone for "all who heard it were amazed at what the shepherds told them." The star tells the Gentiles, who in turn tell King Herod (ok, so that wasn't the best person to tell).

So what do we do when we hear this story again? That's right, light a little candle, sing a song about being silent, and warm up in our own personal glow space. We are not called to be silent with the news that a child has been born. We are to be heralds, bearers of the news. We have a gift to share and it did not come from Jared's.

We need the good news of a savior, who brings peace, to cover the face of the earth. And we, the people who worship this child born in Bethlehem, are the ones who need to share the message with the world in turmoil.

22nd of December

2008-12-22T07:36:00.000-08:00

Ok, so I am in the office three days before Christmas (the ONLY religious holiday that is also a full Federal Holiday). I was thinking about the covenant that is to come when the Kingdom of God is fully established on earth. That is what we are hoping for on the 25th of December, right? The Kingdom of God on Earth?

Are we looking for the time when our kingdoms, our positions of power, our goals are worthless? Are we hoping for the day when the only one who leaders is Christ? Many of us are looking forward to Christmas. We cannot wait until we sing Silent Night with candles all aglow. (Look for something on Silent Night tomorrow.) Are we as anxiously awaiting the coming of Christ who will separate the wheat from the chaff? Are we living out our salvation is such a way that the world sees in us an indwelling of the kingdom of God?

Rules

2008-12-11T07:49:00.001-08:00

This is something that has been percolating in my mind for a while now and I am just beginning to be able to formulate it into sentences. This is not a final thought by any means, rather this is a getting it out to be seen and tested. Please throw darts at it. Poke holes in it. Help me see what I am blind to see.

It seems to me that many good and faithful Christians spend a great amont of time trying to find a good set of ethics, a set of rules by which to live their lives.

Once upon a time the rules were pretty simple, "Don't drink. Don't smoke. (Don't dance.) And don't go with girls who do." If you did or did not do these things as the case may be, you were in pretty good standing with the Big Guy.

Wesley gave the people called Methodists three rules. 1. Do no harm. 2. Do good. 3. Tend to the ordiances of God. In other words, avoid evil and sin, love your neighbor in every form possible, and maintain the spiritual disciples of prayer, the reading of scripture, and community worship. He said that living out these rules was evidence of a persons desire to recieve salvation that comes in grace through Christ.

Moses gave us the BIG TEN (no this is not a NCAA football conference). This is the Law literally written in stone and given to the people Israel. You know it says stuff like, have no other gods before the LORD God, keep the sabbath, honor your parents, do not want for your neighbors things.

Jesus narrowed it down to two. Love the LORD your God and love your neighbor.

Mother Teresa gave the sisters two keys, which having learned directly from a sister who worked with the Blessed Mother and not finding them elsewhere I feel I should not share in a blog but am more than willing to share with anyone in the personally sharing of faith.

The Gospel according to Matthew in the the Sermon on the Mount (Chapters 5-7 for those of you who want to read along at home) gives us a synopsis of Jesus' ethic and teaching. Instructions on being salt and light. Teachings on those who are called blessed. Reminders to turn the other cheek. Commands to love our enemies and pray for those who persecute you.

The prophet Micah tells us do justice, to love kindness, and to walk humbly with God.

Then you can pull rules, ethics, and guidelines on life from any of the epistles, from the teachings of Luther, the instructions of St. Francis, the works of St. Augustine of Hippo, the rules of St. Benedict.

And still, good and faithful Christians spend hours trying to find an ethic, a rule, a way to live their life. Do we really believe we need a new teaching on these things? Or are we searching for an ethic that is less intrussive? Here is my proposal in short form. Follow any ONE of these ethics in the name of Christ and you will find yourself working as a servant in the kingdom of God. Live out any of these simple instructions and you will be light and salt. Stop searching for the right answer and say to Christ, "Today. Today, I am yours. And I will do my best to faithful walk in your ways." Then follow to the best of your ability one of these rules of grace and submission.

If even half of us who call ourselves by the name of Christ would find our simple rule and live under the rule the One who is light and life the power of the gospel and good news of Christ would quickly cover the face of the earth.

Forgive Me, Father

2008-12-09T13:11:00.000-08:00

Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. It has been almost two months since my last blog.

I almost thought I had given it up. Do I need to blog? Does anyone care if I blog? Really? Then, almost out of the blue at a Christmas party, a friend of mine said, "Hey, do you blog?"

I said, "Well, I have posted a few times, but not really."

He said, "If you start blogging, let me know. I like your take on things."

Someone wants to know my opinion? About things? Why? I am not all that smart. In fact, I think the more I study and listen and prayer, the more I realize I know very little at all.

So, forgive me, father for not having blogged in almost two months. Forgive me, again, for thinking I know something when in reality I know very litte. Forgive me for sometimes sharing more than is necessary when what you are wanting me to do is listen and be present. Forgive me.

T.V. News

2008-10-30T07:51:00.000-07:00

I know this is a bit out dated, but it came up while watching Boston Legal on TIVO last night.

A couple of weeks ago, a Dallas Police Officer struck and killed a 10-year old boy. The boy was riding his bike in the evening on a poorly lit street. The Police Officer was driving his patrol car over the speed limit in a residential area with no lights and no siren.

I am not here to talk about the boy or the officer. I grieve for them both. My wife and said again last night, "We cannot image how desperately lost the parents must feel at this time." I also cannot begin to imagine how horrified the officer must feel knowing he accidentally killed an innocent child.

I am here to talk about the TV news coverage in the Dallas/Fort Worth area. More than once, they showed some or all of the video from the perspective of the dash board cam in the patrol car. I know they said, "The images you are about to see are disturbing." I know they said, "Parents, you might want to remove your children from the room." I know they stopped the video before the car actually struck the boy. I also know my wife and I both cringed at the thought and grabbed the remote and turned off the TV. It was unnecessary. It was vile. It was tasteless. It was senseless.

Yes, that video needs to be used in police training sessions. Yes, use it in court. Yes, keep it as public record. But the freedom of the press does not mean the press needs to be Faces of Death V. Remember you are here to serve the public as the fourth estate. And yes, as a member of the first estate (look at your French History for this one), I am calling you to a higher standard for the common good.

Third Day

2008-10-09T07:10:00.000-07:00

Last week I went to see one of my favorite bands in the whole world. I even got to meet the band after the show, thanks to a gift from a good friend. It was awesome. Yes, I love Third Day. I have been a fan for almost 10 years. I have them live five times. And then to meet them was amazingly awesome. Yes, that is my loving wife, Tammy, Mac, and I in the picture.

It was in the meeting that I realized why it is that I enjoy the band and especially Mac Powell so much. They are not my idols. They are more like my pastor. Through their music, they minister to me. Their music has so many highs and lows, so many praises and laments, so much joy of salvation and awe/fear of the divine. Not to mention they are a great band in that southern rock, guitar driven sound.

This morning, as I was running, their song King of Glory came across my i-pod. I have covered this tune for years with 21st RUNG at my church. It is a great tune. But this morning, with darkness still covering the face of the earth, my feet pounding the pavement, tears rolled down my face. Once again, in a surprising way, Mac's gift was given, God's grace was shared, and I was small before God as the choir sang, "Jesus. Precious Jesus. Lord Almighty. King of my heart. King of Glory."

Thank you Third Day for sharing your worship with us. Thank you for being faithful. Thank you ministering to so many so often. Thank you for being a musical pastor.

Running II

2008-09-30T06:58:00.000-07:00

Ok, so this weekend I turned 37 years old. That is not a big deal really. Beyond turning the dial on my years, I also did something I have never done before on that same day. I ran eleven miles. I know it is crazy, and I have been trying to keep quiet about it most the summer. Somehow, slowly, people have heard that I am training to run a half marathon, (13.1 miles for those of you playing along at home) on November 16 in San Antonio, Texas.

I will give some answers the frequently asked questions.
+ No, I am not fast. I average around a 12 minute mile.
+ No, I have not lost any weight. Well, I guess since May I have lost about two and a half pounds.
+ No, I was not a runner in school. Previous to this summer, the farthest I had even run without walking was no more than a mile. I had run/walked several 5k’s with Tammy and Austin.
+ I have not yet enjoyed the “runner’s high.”
+ No, I don’t feel better. I feel tired, sore, grumpy, and emotional most of the time.

I am doing it because one person brought up a training program to me several times and invited me to an informational meeting. Vance Bates simply invited me to try it. Me, a guy who doesn’t run, doesn’t believe in running, doesn’t particularly like running, and by no means has any natural ability in running long distances, was invited to be a part of a running club. I still blame him when I crawl out of bed at 5:00 in the morning to go on a run in the neighborhood, or when I am grinding out mile nine of eleven with the group.

There is a moral to this story. Vance invited me to be a part of something important in his life. He invited me three or four times and said, “Come just see what it is about with no obligation or pressure.” You too can invite others to be a part of something important in your lives. You might have to make that invitation more than once to be heard. What you share might change someone’s life.

Time

2008-09-17T11:48:00.000-07:00

Time is an interesting thing. We all have 24 hours in a day. None of us can live one minute in the past, nor can we put all that much stake into the future. All we have is the right now.

Right now, God is asking for my very best. Oh, I might have given my best yesterday, but that is over and gone. I cannot promise to give my best tomorrow, for I do not know what tomorrow may bring. All I can hope to do is give my best to God in this moment.

Running?

2008-09-08T11:49:00.001-07:00

OK, this spring I began something relatively insane. I began running. I started for several reasons. First, I knew I needed to loose some weight (don't we all). Second, I member of the church is the manager at a local running store and mentioned this 1/2 marathon in San Antonio and the running group at the store.

After almost four months of running, I am two months out from this 1/2 marathon. Running is still hard. Running still wears me out (I am tired all the time). Running has become something more than feet and pavement.

I wonder now, "To what am I running?" and "From what am I running?" We run from many things: problems, relationships, work, stress, the past. I don't feel that I am running from any of those things. But minus this 13.1 mile run in November, I am also not sure if there is a goal out there that I am running towards.

Right now, I am running in circles. I have not lost any weight (but I don't feel as guilty about a good hamburger, fries, and a coke). I don't have a goal in mind usually, minus finishing.

How much of life is just running circles with no goal, no accomplishment, just waiting for the next hill to climb or turn in the road?

Working Together

2008-07-31T14:15:00.000-07:00

A while back a member of the congregation brought me a ceramic cross hand made in Peru. The cross is being carried by a plethora of persons dressed in native Peruvian garb. The note she attached says, "We are working together to serve the Lord."

Sometimes it is hard to remember we are supposed to be working together in service to the Lord. We get side tracked with little issues. We let silly things get in the way of working as one body. Simply disagreements fester. We let hurt feelings become hard feelings and animosity grows within us. Then we are almost surprised when Christ is not at the center of the Church, when God is not glorified in all we do, or when the Spirit is not allowed to lead the Church.

Each of us needs to remember that not only are we, the followers of Jesus, working together to serve the Lord, each of us is in service with Christ. Our service to Christ, our being a disciple, begins with simple acts of piety. . . prayer, searching the scriptures, worship, listening for God's voice to speak.

We serve Christ and we are in service with Christ. We are working together and living together under the reign of God.

WHY?

2008-07-29T06:51:00.000-07:00

"Why?" This is one of the hardest questions to answer. Think about talking to a two-year old who has just discovered this time-perplexing and mind-numbing question. They ask, "Why do I have a belly button?"
You say something cute like, "Because it is where God kissed you."
"Why?" comes back again.
"Because God loves you."
"Why?"
"Because God loves everybody."
"Why?" "Because God is love."
"Why?"
Well you get the picture.
Giving a close to scientifically correct answer, "You have a belly button because when you were growing in mommy's tummy before you were born, that is where you and mommy were connected." Well, you know the "Why?" is coming and there are details here that you are not really sure you want to explain to a two-year old.

Today, I am struggling with "Why?" I am not two-years old, but the question is haunting me. A 21-year old man died this weekend in a local swimming hole. He is a friend of a member of the congregation where I serve. They met working together for a company that hires adults with learning problems.

As a parent of a child with learning issues (my younger son has Down-Syndrome), I know the family has asked "Why?" many times over the course of 21 years. "Why is our child not like all the rest?" "Why does it have to be so hard?" And now the question for this family has changed to something even more profound, "Why is he gone?" "Why did he have to die?" "Why has God done this to us?"

To try and explain, "Why?" is useless. There is no good answer to this question. If we knew why, it might be more painful than we could endure. And knowing why does not take away the loss. But this does not remove the reality of God's all encompassing GRACE and LOVE. Yes, it still hurts, and yes the questions will still come in the night, "why . . . why . . . why . . . why?" And still God is there with us, holding us, keeping us, weeping with us and for us.

I have no answer to the "Why?" this morning. I can only look to my faith and to the mercy of Christ, who loves us in all things. Being a Christian, a follower of Christ, does not insulate us from the many hard things in life. It does remind us that the hard things are not the final answer. The story does not end with a child being born with learning disabilities. The story is not finished at the bottom of swimming hole. The final word is not death. As a follower of Christ, I know the final word is hope for all God's children, life abundant, resurrection is the face of death, future with no limitations.

Prayer

2008-07-22T18:17:00.000-07:00

In a day and time where many young persons in the church are talking about change, I am astounded at how few are talking about and engaging in prayer. My challenge to all the postmoderns out there who are looking to change the church, the world, the way things work, I encourage you to begin to pray.

We do not have to do great things. We are called to do faithful, holy things. I am not saying that we have to spend all of our time praying. I am saying that we must take prayer much more seriously.

If you read these words, take a few moments to stop and pray. Pray for the church to be holy as our Father in heaven is holy. Pray for peace and joy to enter your heart and your day. Be the change for which you are hoping. Be the one who is taking the time to pray.