My Change

The human motto is "We fear change!" Even the most go-with-the-flow people want and need a certain amount of consistency and security in their lives. Watch a group of people who meet together regularly. They will sit in more or less the same seats. Change the chairs, or sit in a totally different part of the room and the whole group functions differently. Someone may even say, "You are sitting in MY seat." We really do fear change.

Change is relative however. The more distant the change, the less dramatic it seems. It can also depend on how much it plays with our sense of security and reality. If the change somehow makes us feel vulnerable, it will, no matter how small the change really is, feel like a big shift in our existence.

Make the change personal, and it is even harder. My family watches The Biggest Loser almost religiously. The contestants often breakdown emotionally as much as physically. It is because as they deal with their weight, they are making a huge change. Physically, they are loosing weight and getting fit. As they put away old coping mechanism (in this case food) and habits, the emotional and psycological issues begin to move to the fore. Add to all of this some exhaustion and emotionally these people can almost spin out of control.

Over the last the last 7 months, I have been working on changing who I am so that I can be the person I am called to be. This has meant stepping out of ministry so I can be better husband to Tammy and a better father to my boys. But over the last month or so, I have decided to deal more directly with the issues that haunt me. This change, this admitting to myself that I need to change, is difficult. It is not easy nor is it fun. In fact, it makes me feel less the person. It hurts. It sucks. It scares me.

I know that I cannot change myself. I must take a step and rely on the grace of God and the presence of the Holy Spirit to hold me as together we take the next step. I am blessed that Tammy continues to hold my hand and walk with me on this journey. I do not know exactly where it will end, nor what God has in store for my future. I do know, yes I believe, that as hard and scary as this change might be, this will be a change for the better. So, today, even as I look into a future I cannot see, as long as God is sovereign and merciful, I can say with confidence, "I will NOT fear this change!"