Explanations

I would want nothing more than to be able to give the perfect explanation to any wrong, sin, mistake I have ever committed.  To give the perfect explanation would absolve me of everything.  All would suddenly be right with the world.  Last week, I wrote about my hiding in the cave (I also wrote about this same subject back in January).  If I could just come up with the perfect explanation I could come out of the cave, dust myself off, and we could all get back to business.

Here's the problem with that scenario: explanations are often nothing more than excuses we hope will justify our actions.  You know this deal.  You have used it yourself, "But mom, every one was doing it."  Like mom is suddenly going to say, "Well, that makes everything better."  What we were hoping is mom would accept our explanation as an excuse and we would be able to avoid getting in trouble for what we did.

So as I want to make explanation, point to someone else, or come up with an excuse, I realize only I made my choices of the past, and only I can make my choices for this moment and the future.  Yes, we learn from our experience, and I am learning more every day.

Thankfully, I do not have to come up with the perfect explanation.  I simply have to admit I was wrong and repent, that is turn back to God.  I know that God will make everything right in the long run.  It is true not just for me but for everyone.  "All have sinned and fall short of the glory of God; they are now justified by his grace as a gift, through the redemption that is in Christ Jesus."  (Romans 3:23-24)  I do not doubt that God forgives me.  I do not doubt that my boys and my wife forgive me.  What holds me in the cave most often is the doubt that others will not forgive, and I know an explanation will not be good enough.

So, here I am, a sinner forgiven, giving no explanation, and, for today, sitting just outside the cave.

Hiding

I am on a family leave of absence from serving as a pastor in the United Methodist Church. I asked for this leave to address issues in myself that were hurting my self, my family, and my ministry. I am in my ninth month of leave at this point. I foresee being on leave for at least another twelve months.

I am glad to say that I am doing much better, and my wife and two boys are doing better too for the efforts Tammy and I both are putting into our marriage and family. Still, I cannot help but feel as if I am in hiding. Some people ask me about my "sabbatical." Well, it is not a sabbatical. This is more of a cave into which I have crawled and in many ways, I do not want to come out of the cave. But, I am beginning to wonder - how long can you stay in a cave before you have become the cave? How long can you just stay in hiding?

Honestly, I do not feel worthy at this point to come out of the cave. As one who once had a voice, I feel like I have given up my right to speak. As one who once was a leader, I want to now just hide in the cave hoping no one asks, "What are you doing in there?"

Lazarus was four days dead when Jesus arrived at the front of the cave where his body was laid. Jesus asked that the stone be moved and he called to Lazarus in a loud voice, "Lazarus, come out!" When Lazarus, still wrapped in burial clothes, emerged from the tomb Jesus said to the others, "Unbind him and let him go." (John 11:38-44)

My mistakes drove me into hiding, and, yes, I have died several deaths in this process. Now my fear and shame seem to hold me here. I do not want to stay in hiding forever, but I am not sure how to walk back into the openness of day. In some ways I am waiting for a voice to call to me, "Andrew, come out." I am waiting for someone to say, "Unbind him and let him go."

The Cave

Ok, so I have been living in a cave, or maybe a underglorified Fortress of Solitude. I have been in hiding more than anything else. Afraid to come out. Afraid to look into the reality of the world. Afraid that the world will not accept me.

My life has been a Fortress of Solitude because I can hide alone in my house dealing with next to no one most of the time under the guise of being a stay-at-home-dad. The biggest difference between my hiding place and Superman's is not that his is a crystal palace at the North Pole and mine is a house in Fort Worth. No the biggest difference is that I am no super man.

My life has been a cave in the Platonic sense. I have been facing the wall of my cave, watching the shadows and assuming (or maybe wanting) this to be reality. Well reality never exists in the cave, it is only a shadow of what is real.

Why do I hide in my Fortress of Solitude, in my cave? Because it is safer than standing up and facing the reality of the world. It is safer to hide than to try. It is safer to settle than to risk. Here, I can be fine with the illusions dancing on the wall before me, but if I stand up and leave my Fortress of Solitude, I will have to deal with the reality that is out there in the world.

Some days, it is not that we have to be super. Some days, we just need the Holy Spirit to give us the strength to stand up.